Are you a Strong Self-Advocator who leaves or changes undesirable situations without a hitch? You know your limits. You take action and do so with no real fear.
When others in an obviously abusive environment can’t do the same, perhaps like me, you’re tempted to wag your head and say, “Don’t put up with it. Just leave.”
I fired an audio editor recently who went over the line and did not fulfill his contract. I’d accommodated him and a couple of his unusual requests. I’d made decisions based on what he’d told me. I’d paid over half of the contract with no usable product.
Time drug on.
In the end, he admitted to not being truthful and giving me false information on which I had based my decisions. However, he became threatened by and angry with those decisions and sent me very abusive communication.
My book is set to launch this fall. Time is running out. Fear and uncertainty mounted.
If I ended our contract, I felt certain he wouldn’t return my money, but if I stayed, he might finish the editing process. I needed his services. But did I?
Did I need to work with someone I could no longer trust? Who might abuse me again? Anxiety grew. The very thought of future abuse became untenable.
Despite my fears, I found another editor, and I fired the first.
I set a boundary. Too late, but better late than never.
Then, the reality of my emotions and the stress of trying to work things out caught me by surprise.
The Holy Spirit immediately connected with my compassion for the traumatized. I realized that my audio-editor event was nothing in comparison to what they face. I began to experience a deep-down inkling of what survivors battle when they attempt to set a boundary.
They hold love bonds and trauma bonds with their perpetrators. Family is most often involved. Any dream of love is dashed. The loss overwhelms them. They doubt themselves and ask,
Am I worthy?
Do I have the courage?
Is it too late?
Will I ever recover from the loss?
So, Strong Self-Advocator, here’s what you (and I) do if we want to empathize with someone who can’t set boundaries:
Allow the Holy Spirit to connect with our compassionate side. Put ourselves in the survivor’s place.
Do some research and try to understand that a person with poor boundaries is struggling with:
- Monumental fear
- Self-doubt
- Lack of self-care tools
- False safety when living in denial
- Various levels of dysfunction
- PTSD
Only when we begin to feel within ourselves what they’re up against, can we ever begin to understand. It’s part of our journey in learning to help Jesus free the oppressed.
“When Jesus saw the multitude, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.” – Matthew 9:36
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